'Sagan: I am Robot'

It has emerged today that Liquigas-Cannondale wunderkind Peter Sagan is in fact a robot. Suspicions were aroused during the finale of yesterday's stage of the Amgen Tour of California where, despite puncturing with about 6km to go, he won the stage in thrilling style. 

Sagan was busted during dope control when the testers noticed he actually did have legs of steel. UCI Rule #029290832 Paragraph 756 Sub section FU says: "competitors shall not have actual legs of steel, only rumours of legs of steel will be allowed to circulate." UCI President P.McQuaid: "I'm glad we've finally uncovered one of these RobotRiders, we've been convinced for a few years now that approximately 68% of the Peloton is in fact metal. I would like to take this opportunity to send out a strong message : The UCI will not tolerate Cyborg-Doping. Or any form of doping. But especially Cyborg-Doping as that is one we can actually easily uncover with a hammer, no need for expensive lab tests." 

P.Sagan was not available for comment. Possibly as he has already been melted down and incorporated into Ivan Basso in a desperate attempt by Liquigas to get him to win something.

This raises other questions; for example maybe the UCI were looking in the wrong place when they scanned Fabian Cancellara's bike looking for motors-maybe they should have been scanning his legs. He said himself when questioned, 'Yeah I have two motors, one here and one here (gesturing to legs)'. And perhaps there should be mandatory searches of team cars now before stages, as one moto-photographer claims to have seen a comedy sized remote control in the hands of the Liquigas Directeur Sportif in the closing stages of the AToC stage with a big red button marked 'WIN'. These are, of course, just rumours. 

Shifting Gear would like to see the UCI encourage rehabilitation of Riderborgs post ban, and encourage their participation in much the same way that they encourage Women's Professional Cycling. With their current track record, that's probably the best way to get rid of it.






***N.B: Peter Sagan is not actually a robot, don't worry (although it made you think eh? ;D) And none of the above is true, factually correct, or even remotely serious. Well maybe the last bit.***

The Interval Game

This has probably already been done before, so I'm not claiming ownership or anything. I am however claiming all rights to resulting Fun . Preferred Royalties format is cake, but is negotiable.


So this is the Musical Intervals game. Essentially, you take two enjoyable past times (interval training and listening to music) and mash em together. Genius format or what. The basic concept is:

1. Get turbo trainer.
2. Set music playing device to shuffle.
3. 'Work' for one song, 'rest' for next song and repeat.

Simple enough? I have come up with some ways to spice it up a little....

1. Choose a Heavy Metal playlist and on the 'on' song try and match your cadence to the beat. Top gear maximum resistance mandatory.
2. Choose a 70's Prog Rock playlist...and, well, all I can say to that is good luck.
3. Choose a more modern Pop playlist and sprint for 30 seconds every time you hear the word 'baby'.
4. Choose a Death Metal playlist and sprint for 45 seconds every time you can't understand what they're saying. 
5. Choose an S Club 7 playlist and sprint for 1000000 seconds every time you feel the need to vomit.

See, it's like a drinking game for cyclists!

Couple of other points; 

• You start with 3 'skips'. Use them wisely, once you use one you have to them wait another 3 on/off cycles before you can use your next 'skip'. Penalties for overusage of skips include, but are not limited to; 5 minute power sprints, saddle removal for remainder of session and the ultimate sanction-switching from music to a full 200Km Tour de France stage with commentary by Phil L and Paul S (1 minute power sprint every time you hear 'sport of professional cycling' or reference to Lance)
• If you are unlucky enough to get a song longer than 7 minutes for your 'on' interval, then you may-at your own discretion-choose to do the next 'on' interval in the small ring. If you're chicken that is.
• If 'We Are The Champions' comes up, it is mandatory to practice victory celebrations for the duration no matter whether you are in the gym, at home, or on the road...or how ridiculous you look.
• If a ballad comes up....just stop. Do you think Jens listens to ballads? ' I even had a black shirt with a Metallica print and ripped off arms, total hardcore fan, but my kids told me not to wear it anymore...' exactly.

I'm fairly sure we (yes we) could come up with a scoring system for 'The Interval Game' based loosely on badassery of songs and interval length....contributions welcome.

There would have to be serious penalties for Michael Bublé. Just saying.